


something that shouldn't be said outloud

by plinys



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: 5 Times, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-24 04:43:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21093596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinys/pseuds/plinys
Summary: And Richie isn’t thinking, which is probably why he blurts out, “Maybe we should practice on each other?”[or: 5 times Richie wanted to kiss Eddie, and one time he got to.]





	something that shouldn't be said outloud

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this instead of packing to go see my parents this weekend! leave me some nice comments to get back to after i survive a weekend of pretending to be straight (tm)

1

“A kiss will make it better.” 

Richie is eight years old, and already a little too wise for the world.

He doesn’t believe in magic kisses, not really.

But he says the words with confidence, the way his mother always says them. Mostly to get him to stop crying, to press a kiss to the top of his head and usher him on his way so that she can get back to work, but still with some hint of love there under the surface.

Richie clings to that.

He always has.

So he tries to believe in the magic just a little bit now as he crouches down next to the other boy on the playground. His cheeks are red from crying, his knees skinned from the hard concrete sidewalk that he had fallen down onto, and even though up until now Richie’s only known him as  _ Bill’s other friend _ , Richie decides in instant that this boy is important. 

That they’re going to be friends.

Best friends. 

And step one of that plan was making him stop crying. 

The other boy blinks up at him, eyes blurred from tears and says, “Kisses spread germs! They’re icky! That’s how you get cooties!”

“You only get cooties from girls,” Richie says. 

Because that’s a known fact. 

“And I’m not a girl,” Richie adds on, just in case the other boy wasn’t sure. 

He considers this for a moment. Staring at Richie with a sense of apprehension still, before finally holding out his hand, and saying with the most serious expression. “Give me the kiss and I’ll put it there.”

So Richie does, leaning forward and pressing his lips to the other boys hand. “To make it better.”

“To make it better,” he echoes, before pulling his hand away and pressing it to his skinned knee.

There’s less tears in those eyes now.

A success as far as Richie is concerned. 

“Oh,” Richie asks. “What’s your name?”

The boy stares at him, that same look of confusion, and “You wanted to kiss me and you don’t even know my name?”

  
  
  


2

“Well, Eddie was my first kiss, so…” He gets a pillow to his face for his troubles, which fair and he deserved it but also, “ _ Ouch _ .” 

“That doesn’t count,” Eddie says. 

Technically, Richie knows he’s right.

But that doesn’t mean that he hasn’t been counting it as his first kiss since forever.

Maybe because he hadn’t kissed anyone else  _ properly  _ yet.

Maybe because his tiny heart wanted to kiss Eddie  _ properly. _

Richie’s just starting to learn what all these feelings mean. What it means when all his friends start to talk about girls and Richie just doesn’t see the appeal? That he can’t no matter how much he stares and tries. His mother, with her worried and distant manner, had insisted that he was young and would grow into his feelings, that he was just a late developer. 

But Richie knew better. 

He read the slurs written on the bathroom walls. 

Spoke louder to throw off suspicion at school. 

But here with just his  _ friends  _ hanging out in Bill’s room, he lets his walls down just a little bit.

Even if it feels like a mistake.

“I say it counts,” Richie insists. “So as a fucking kiss expert-”

“It only c-counts if it’s on the lips,” Bill counters. 

“Thank you,” Eddie says triumphantly. 

While Stan just rolls his eyes at them. 

And Richie isn’t thinking, which is probably why he blurts out, “Maybe we should practice on each other?”

There’s a beat of silence.

Awkward silence. 

Which is why Richie tacks on, “I mean, I’ve got plenty of experience kissing your mom but-”

“Beep beep Richie.” 

And they all laugh it off. 

Everyone has already decided that Bill is going to embarrass himself during the school play. A lost cause, no matter how much the rest of them try to give him kissing advice. And so the topic forgotten soon enough, turning instead to a new comic book that Richie brought from home. 

At least, Richie thinks that it’s forgotten

  
  


3

The thing is everyone is half in love with Beverly.

And Richie gets it.

He thinks he does. 

She’s got a nice… Body? Maybe? Her hair is really pretty when the light hits it just right, and she’s always willing to share a smoke with Richie. 

But when she blurts out, “I used to have a crush on you,” all casual, while they’re smoking just outside of the club house. (Because apparently smoking in the clubhouse was against the  _ rules. _ )

“Used to,” Richie replies.

Because what else can he say? 

Sorry I’m definitely not into girls?

Not if he wants to keep having friends. 

Bev shrugs, takes another drag of her cigarette and says, “You can kiss me if you want, everyone else already has.”

“I don’t want to kiss you,” Richie says.

Probably too quickly.

“Sorry,” he tacks on.

Not that it makes a difference.

Bev just shrugs again, and asks, “Because you want to kiss someone else?”

Her words are quiet, like she knows his secret, eyes glancing towards the entrance to their clubhouse. 

He’s struck by such a panic. 

That she knows.

That she has to know. 

He looks in the same direction. Tries to imagine he can see through the ground. To where he knows a certain someone is hanging out (probably on the now vacant hammock) with that dumb plastic wrap on his cast because he was worried that it would rain later and get it wet. And fuck Richie knows he wants to kiss Eddie. He’s wanted to kiss Eddie for so long. But he had thought that he wasn’t being obvious, that nobody else could tell.

But if Bev knew then… 

“I just know the feeling, is all I’m saying,” Bev says, when Richie has been silent for too long. 

And suddenly, maybe Richie can breathe again. 

This isn’t about him.

About his crush.

It’s about hers.

He can deal with that. 

“You should kiss him,” Richie says. “Whoever it is that you want to kiss that is.” 

“Yeah, you too.” 

  
  


4

His parents are out of town.

They’re always fucking out of town.

And even when they’re in town it isn’t like they even notice him so…

He throws a party.

Mostly just because he can. 

That’s what people do when their parents are out of town in high school. It’s what cool and normal people do and fuck for a few minutes Richie wouldn’t mind getting to be normal. It’s fun and loud and for a little bit Richie can just forget himself and all the shit he’s been through in his life. 

And sure, maybe he’s a little drunk. 

He’s drunk and there’s a girl dancing close to him, talking about how happy she is to be here, but he doesn’t care about her. Doesn’t really want anything to do with her. But this is  _ normal,  _ this is what he’s supposed to be doing.

His sixteen and old enough to know that he’s never gonna be normal, that it’s a lost fucking cause.

So maybe he feels a little bit of relief when Eddie cuts in. 

Eddie, who had sworn up and down that he wouldn’t come to this party and that they were all going to get alcohol poisoning and die.

Eddie, who in spite of all of that was here, even if he had stuck to the corner with his own bottle of beer the whole night.

Eddie, who Richie had been in love with since he first learned what love was. 

“Can I talk to you?” 

“Yeah, fuck, yeah, let’s go.” 

He takes them away from the party.

Up to Richie’s bedroom, which thankfully is unoccupied. 

He’s aiming for casual, but the whole world is a little blurry, and the only thing in focus seems to be Eddie - “What’s up, Eds?”

Normally this is when Eddie tells him not to call him that.

But instead Eddie just looks  _ tired _ , and asks, “Why are you doing this? What’s going on?”

He should brush it off. 

It’s not important. 

Make a joke. 

But instead he says, “Fuck, sometimes I just want to be normal? Can’t I be fucking normal for one night?” 

“What do you mean? You are normal. What the fuck does that even-”

“No, I’m not,” Richie insists. 

“You’re drunk,” Eddie says. 

Like it explains everything. 

Richie wishes it did. 

“No, I’m not,” he says again.

“Yes, you-”

Richie moves, before he can stop himself. It’s been too long, too many years of repressed feelings and he is a little drunk. Pressing his lips to Eddie’s feels so natural. Like everything he’s ever wanted. 

For a moment.

Just a second.

But Eddie is frozen underneath him, not kissing back, of course he’s not because he’s not a… He’s not  _ like Richie _ , he’s… “Fuck.” 

Richie pulls back so quick, panic under his skin, worse than that summer they spent in the sewers. So much worse. Eddie is shocked still and confused and the way he says, “Richie,” is so soft that it physically hurts.

“I’m drunk,” Richie says. Too loudly. Not the truth. “I’m going to go throw up now.” 

And leaves without looking back.

Without waiting for the inevitable rejection. 

He does throw up.

Hating himself just a little.

And Monday when they’re back at school and Eddie asks him, so casually, what Richie remembers from the party. Richie lies and says that he doesn’t remember anything. And tells himself that it’s for the best. 

  
  
  


5

“This is the part when I’m supposed to tell you to stop sneaking in my room.”

Richie laughs. 

“I think this really is the last time,” he offers.

But instead of Eddie looking happy like he might have years before. He just looks  _ sad _ . “Good, you’re getting too big to fit in my window.” 

It’s the night before graduation.

The night before the end of their lives.

Richie is already packed, leaving for New York City the second he walks off of that stage.

And Eddie’s going to college in Portland, the good little boy that promised to stay in state for school. 

The rest of their lives without each other are coming. They’ve made promises that they can’t keep. To write to each other. To visit if they can. That Eddie will be there at Richie’s first show.

But they both know better. 

This is it.

This is goodbye. 

“I’ll miss you,” Eddie says. 

It’s not enough.

Nothing is ever enough for  _ them _ . 

“Me too,” Richie adds.

So soft, and they’re so close. 

So close that Richie can hear when Eddie whispers “Fuck it,” into the space between them. 

Eddie presses up on his toes. And Richie can’t breathe. They’re too close for his heart to handle.

Too close when Eddie presses the lightest kiss to Richie’s cheek.

Like a promise.

Like a secret just for them and says, “I’ll really fucking miss you, Rich.” 

  
  
  


+1

Eddie says, “I’m pretty sure you were my first kiss,” as if he’s discussing the weather. 

Slow and  _ oh so casual,  _ realizations that they are dealing with over time, as memories slowly but surely come back. Eventually it will all come back, everything that they were made to remember, for now though.

It was a good way to pass the time as he waited for Eddie to get released from the hospital.

“Only  _ pretty sure _ ?”

He shouldn’t be nervous.

After all that they’ve been through the idea that he could still get nervous now is almost laughable.

_ Almost _ . 

Richie’s sure that later he will make a joke about all of this, turn it into some bit that becomes a relatable ™ meme later.

But right now.

In this moment. 

He’s just lucky that Eddie makes the first move, “Why don’t you try and refresh my memory?”

**Author's Note:**

> come be my friend on twitter: [ @plinys ](https://twitter.com/plinys)


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